As the State Turns

Bada*s in Chief
Meet the Chief of Oregon’s Supreme Court, Balmer. Thomas Balmer. Justice Thomas… eh, I screwed that whole James Bond thing up. Let’s start over.

Chief Justice Thomas Balmer is a mild-mannered, unassuming, bespectacled, robe-wearing bada*s. Last week he made it abundantly clear that he felt federal immigration aggressiveness acts only as a huge wall between those that need to report crimes – or access the criminal justice system in any capacity – and actually being able to do so.

In fact, he wrote a letter to that pockmarked turd, Attorney General Jeff Sessions, as well as the John Kelly (“Security Secretary”… whatever that is) that basically went like this:

“Now you listen to me, you pockmarked turd… and you, other guy whose job title is unknown by Corvallis Advocate Associate Editor Johnny Beaver, and you listen good: ICE’s detention or arrest of undocumented residents in or near Oregon’s courthouses deters individuals, some undocumented and some not, from coming to court when they should.”

And he actually said most of that last part, which is why it’s more to the point and less entertaining than what I was originally going to write, which involved a potato launcher, two hookers, and a box of Fruit Roll-Ups. Mmmm… Fruit Roll-Ups. And not those nasty ones with real fruit in them, I’m talking the melon and berry colored plastic ones with little cutouts of crap. The ones that make your throat burn and dye your teeth. Hell yes.

What was I saying? Oh, right, Balmer. He’s not taking any crap from ICE. As of the time of writing this, they hadn’t responded yet. They probably needed to take some me time. Maybe a little Project Runway and chill.

Of course, all of this follows several arrests ICE made in Multnomah County courthouses that pretty much pissed everybody in the state off. What do you say we go ahead and keep that anger up, not get used to this level of insanity? Sounds like a plan.

I-5 Bridge Replacement Update
The bill responsible for getting that nasty centenarian I-5 bridge replaced in Portland is now in the hands of Jay Inslee, the Washington governor. Since it’s no longer our problem, let’s move on.

Oh, you want details? Try Google, I’m on a roll here!

Errbody Loves Bills?
Strange as it may seem, it turns out that they don’t… Oregonians in particular. Worse yet? Bills that you receive after being poked, prodded, needled, scoped, and all sorts of other unmentionable things that may or may not have to do with your anal cavity. Thankfully, our state House of Representatives has our back, and it’s working on some legislation to stem the tide.

Say you go to a hospital in your insurance network, but some random provider that has to stick a tube up your rear is out of network. You’re busy trying not to clench, while they’re secretly billing you out the a*s. Sucks. Well, say hello to House Bill 23-29, which seeks to change things so that you only pay your in-network fees, while your insurance company and the provider engage in Mortal Kombat over which one of them foots the extra bill. My bet is on whoever chooses Scorpion, as long as we’re talking Mortal Kombat II. And we are, because this is my article.

While the specifics are still being juggled about, the bill has passed the health care committee as of now and may see a vote this week (perhaps it already has, since this is going out on Thursday). Kate Brown backs it, and I back it. So it’s a sure thing.

Oregon Nuts Ask Big Orange Nut for Stuff
Some Oregonians that were dropped on their heads as children are asking the Trump Administration to create a Vaccine Safety Commission. Believe it or not, they actually managed to go to Washington, D.C. for some lobbying on the issue. Also believe it or not, Trump reportedly had spoken to Robert Kennedy Jr.  – yes, that Robert Kennedy Jr. – about heading up such an initiative. For those that aren’t in the know, said Kennedy is an embarrassing anti-vaccine loon. No?

“They get the shot, that night they have a fever of 103, they go to sleep, and three months later their brain is gone. This is a holocaust, what this is doing to our country.” – Robert Kennedy Jr.

How about a big old fat NOPE for the lot of it. ::shakes head::

By Johnny Beaver