Sports Update: The OSU baseball team, which is likely called The Beavers, won a game last weekend against the Arizona… uh… the Arizona Deserts (or the Arizona John McCains). Apparently this 5-4 victory has allowed them to “clinch” the series, or something along those lines. Now, I was under the impression that clinching was bad for your intestinal health, but I’ve discovered lately that my entire life has been a lie, so who knows. Did you know that pineapple was actually really good on pizza?

College Update: Some total losers have been distributing white nationalist nonsense all over campus. School officials as well as police are investigating these instances of flagrant a*s-hattery. In the meantime, we can all rest assured that any individual or group of individuals that stupid will eventually out themselves.

Albany Update: An “allegedly drunk” guy crashed his car into a street pole and then a house off of Spicer Road last Sunday. After seeing a photo of the car I should say he’s lucky to have survived (as were his passengers, who only suffered minor injuries). On a positive note… not my favorite model Subaru. The time is definitely ripe for a do-over in that department.

Corvallis Crime Update: Definitely one of the more amusing crimes I’ve heard about occurring in town, some dude apparently stole gravel from the train tracks along 6th Street recently. I guess that’s a good place to get gravel, if you needed to jack some. The blotter says it was a white guy, which really narrows it down around here.

Corvallis Advocate Update: They’re still making me write these. Please send help.

By Johnny Beaver