As the State Turns

Love Portland’s Traffic?
Well, it’s about to get a lot better! And by that I mean worse: no fewer than three bridges are about to get a facelift via repairs this year. Oh yes… the Burnside, Broadway, and Morrison bridges will be seeing downtime so expert craftsfolk can get in there and perform some architectural wizardry to increase their lifespan.

Morrison has already seen work begin as of this month, though the negative impact on traffic has been minimal. Burnside construction begins in April and won’t be done until November… 2019… lol. And the Broadway? It’ll enter rehab with a construction timeline stretching from May well into October.

Actual lane and other closures vary among the projects from total shutdown to “you can’t drive here, but the buses will still be running.” Adding to the long timeline, Burnside construction will also result in occasional shutdowns of both I-84 and I-5.

Let the good times roll. At least in the end we’ll have updated, functional bridges, rather than 100-year-old death traps.

Who Let the Wolves Out?
On March 23 a pack of wolves went ape sh*t on some chickens on someone’s property. They partially ate about 16 birds, leaving bits and pieces of them strewn all over the place. The Shamrock Pack, as they are called, also spray-painted a penis on a local barn, as well as dug a hole and crapped in it near the front porch – Malheur style.

Wolf advocates blame the rising cost of health care, also claiming that if Obama hadn’t wire-tapped their cave, they wouldn’t have acted out.

“Look,” one man said under condition of anonymity, “wolves don’t have opposable thumbs. They couldn’t have possibly dug the hole or spray-painted anything. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you people?”

What the hell, indeed.

PDX Police Chief Under Investigation
Administrative leave… why can’t I ever get it? I guess some guys get all the luck.

The dude in question is Portland Chief of Police Mike Marshman. While at the time of writing this the department has not disclosed the nature of the investigation, it seems worth noting that it began under the previous chief – Larry O’Dea – who was investigated himself after he shot his friend during a hunting trip. This all comes after two police captains were also put on leave earlier this month. Oh, and another dude, a lieutenant this time, was ALSO placed on leave the same time as Marshman.

Is this a good time to say “lol?” It feels like it is.

Mayor Ted Wheeler said there will be a ton of information publicly released about this ordeal this week, so by the time you read this you may already be lol-ing with the best of them. Damn weekly publication. You should totally write our publisher a letter requesting that we do this every… single… day. That’ll solve the problem.

Oregon State Bites It, 66-53
The bad news is that the Beavers women’s basketball team has been booted from the NCAA Tournament. The good news? They lost to Florida State, and a loss to anything from Florida can always just be blamed on the smell.

Seriously, the Beavers’ lead scoring human only shot like three out of 14 baskets (do they call them baskets?), which sounds like it can only be explained by distraction. I lived in Florida, I’ve been to FSU. The whole state is like a cross between swamp a*s, fresh garbage, and low tide. I’m still recovering. I had to fly back last year for my brother’s wedding and now I hate him.

Under the circumstances, I think you played one hell of a game.

Good Riddance
The Judgeth Hath Spokeneth Againeth. Only, with proper grammar and not whatever the hell it is I was just trying to do.

Four men involved in the Malheur Turd Hole Occupation were just slapped with nine out of 11 misdemeanor charges against them, including trespassing, vehicle tampering, destruction of property, and improper use of the Internet to order a box of dildos and then blame it on detractors when everyone found out. Hopefully this is the last we’ll be hearing of them and their shenanigans.

Among other pieces of evidence, some things cited included one guy cutting a barbed wire fence via aerial surveillance and another using an excavator to dig trenches (“trenches”… we all know what trench we’re talking about here…). One dude was found having stuffed a bunch of gas cards stolen from the refuge under the seat of his car – though he was found not guilty on that count, because the court believed he was too stupid to realize it was federal money.

By Johnny Beaver